Q. My children’s father and I parent differently. He’s laid back, I like a schedule. He likes to eat in front of the TV, I make the kids eat at the table. He hired a helper to clean the house, I am trying to teach the kids responsibility, so they have age-appropriate chores. Our children are 11, 9, and 6. They are gravitating to dad’s house and I’m desperate to know what to do. I don’t know how to impress upon their father that he’s not helping them by not teaching them responsibility, but he just laughs and says they’re kids. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Unfortunately, you may have had this sort of disagreement even if you still lived with their dad. Parents often disagree, or they agree in theory, but one may be more consistent than the other.

Chores are a perfect example. When the kids don’t do their chores, in this case, dad lets them slide. Mom doubles down. You may have made some compensations for the difference in approach when you were “a couple.” Break up, and it’s on.

Therefore, when co-parents don’t agree, I always try to guide them toward compromise — which is why I made “Look for the Compromise” my Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 10. Problem is, there’s not much incentive to compromise when you have developed a Mom’s house vs. Dad’s house attitude -- and it seems you are both invested in it. No one’s going to win this one. Certainly not the kids.

This is a perfect opportunity to demonstrate to your children that you are working together in their best interest, but before we go there, let me caution both of you about how you are portraying your differences. Comments like “Your mother is so obsessed with chores!” or "Your dad is so lazy!” are counterproductive.

Openly discounting the other parent’s stance or diminishing your co-parent’s opinion in front of the children will leave lasting scars. If they hear comments like that, they will immediately personalize them and feel as if they must choose who is right and who is wrong. Unfortunately, when parents dig in their heels, they are asking their kids to take a side -- and since kids need both parents to be well-rounded and feel safe and secure, badmouthing the other parent really does them a disservice.

It may be that the compromise that is needed is that you relax a little bit and dad take on a greater leadership role. Making changes like this can be difficult because estranged parents often don’t realize how important being on the same page is for their children so making such changes seems like a pipe dream.

Start by comparing notes. Don’t belittle each other’s ideas. Listen, and come up with a workable plan -- something you both can support. I often suggest incorporating a game or a challenge with rewards that offer incentives for children to be consistent in completing homework or chores. This will make it appear that you are relaxing but also gives Dad’s approach some structure.

The key is that when you come to the compromise — and that is the goal — present it to the children as, “Your mother (father) and I have discussed this, and we have decided…” and then stick to the decision. Now you are working as a team. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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