Lori Borgman: Sweeping away housekeeping frustration

Lori Borgman, Tribune News Service on May 27, 2025

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I couldn't get into spring cleaning this year. I couldn't get into fall, winter or summer cleaning either.

My housekeeping may be slipping. There was a time when I cleaned the entire house from top to bottom every week. Now I just write "SEND HELP" in the dust on my desk.

When people come over, see that and ask if everything is all right, I hand them a dust cloth and can of Pledge.

I'm not lazy; I'm conserving energy.

There comes a time in every woman's life when vacuum tracks on the rug cease to be a thrill. Why else would so many homes have hardwood floors these days?

I used to clean smudges on windows and doors every morning with spray cleaner and paper towels. These days I am content to pretend there's patchy fog outside.

I still clean the bathrooms thoroughly every week. I also give them a quick clean every day or two -- not because I'm a germaphobe, but because I'm still working my way through all the bleach wipes left over from COVID.

One of the best housekeeping tips I ever received came from our son-in-law who is a West Point alum. Before cadets had white glove inspection of their rooms, they sprayed furniture polish on the door frame at the same height as the inspector's nose. Genius.

Don't be surprised if you knock on our door and smell Lysol.

I read a sign that said a clean house is a sign of no internet connection. Our internet works great.

If you want to be philosophical, cleaning a house over and over goes against the laws of nature. Nature takes a year, 365 days, to run a full cycle.

A house can complete a full cycle in only 24 hours. A house can start the day "Martha Stewart lives here," slide to "casual clutter" by noon, hit "there may have been a medical emergency" before dinner and reach "full-on whirlwind" by bedtime.

Our nemesis is paper. Whoever said the world has gone paperless hasn't been to our house. We specialize in newspapers, books, journals, articles my husband clips for me to read, articles I clip for him to read, and interesting things we clip for our kids to read -- things that they've already read online, but that doesn't stop us.

A measure of ongoing chaos is inherent to all of life. I offer the definition of entropy as proof. Theoretically, it is a component of the second law of thermodynamics, but it's really about keeping house. Entropy is "the randomness, disorder or uncertainty in a system." Or a house.

I rest my case.

And my vacuum.