ArcaMax

Dear Annie: My best friend and I have been close for over 20 years. We've seen each other through marriages, divorces, parenting challenges, health scares -- you name it. She is the person I call when I'm heartbroken, when I'm celebrating or when I just need someone to remind me who I am.

Lately, though, she has been going through a rough time financially. She recently lost her job, and even though she is doing everything she can to get back on her feet, I know she is struggling. She is behind on bills and has stopped going out with friends, and I suspect she is skipping meals just to make ends meet. It breaks my heart to see her this way.

I want to help her. Not just emotionally, but practically. I am fortunate to be in a stable financial place right now, and I would love to offer some kind of support. But I do not want to embarrass her or make her feel like a charity case. She is proud and independent, and I respect that.

Do you have any advice on how I can help her without damaging our friendship or her dignity? I am open to anything, whether it is direct financial support or more creative ways of being there for her. -- Worried and Wanting to Help

Dear Worried: You have a kind heart, and your friend is lucky to have you. The best way to help is with sensitivity and respect. Instead of offering cash outright, consider covering a specific bill, giving a gift card for groceries, or inviting her to dinner and sending her home with leftovers. You might also help her job hunt or connect her with resources.

Let her know you're offering support because you care, not because you pity her. Pride and friendship can coexist when love leads the way.

Dear Annie: I'm a 48-year-old man, married for 21 years to my beautiful wife. We live in Canada and have shared many good years together, but things began to unravel last year when we started facing serious financial stress. Since then, the arguments have become more frequent, and so has her withdrawal -- emotionally and physically.

She began withholding intimacy for a month at a time, then two. On Valentine's Day, after a particularly heated fight, she said she wanted to teach me a lesson. Since then, it has been over six months with no physical intimacy at all. She refuses to be touched, and every attempt I've made to reconnect has been met with coldness. What hurts more is that she seems comfortable being physically affectionate with her sister's husband -- something I've voiced strong concerns about. When I brought it up, she dismissed my feelings entirely.

She has refused counseling, won't speak to mutual friends who offered to help mediate, and shows no signs of sadness or distress over the state of our marriage. Meanwhile, I'm the one feeling anxious and depressed from the emotional and physical distance.

At this point, I'm wondering -- should I hand her divorce papers? It feels like she has already checked out of the relationship. Her happiness without me feels like a betrayal. Am I wrong to see this as emotional abandonment? -- Feeling Shut Out in Canada

Dear Shut Out in Canada: What you are experiencing is absolutely emotional abandonment. Withholding intimacy for months at a time, especially as punishment, is not healthy. You have tried to talk, suggested counseling and even asked for help from others. She has refused all efforts.

You cannot fix a marriage alone. Her comfort with physical affection toward others while rejecting you is hurtful, and you are right to feel confused and shut out.

Before filing for divorce, ask yourself this: If nothing changes, can you live like this? If the answer is no, and she still refuses to engage, it may be time to move on. A marriage without connection is not a marriage at all.

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"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.