ArcaMax

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a ...Read more

Old Harry was on his deathbed. He raised himself on one elbow and beckoned to his wife. "Doris", he whispered, "you were with me through the Great Depression."

"Yes Harry."

"Doris, you were with me through the worst droughts in the fifties and the eighties."

"Yes Harry."

"And you were with me when the farm got burned out by the bushfires...Read more

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal - Mail

A number you have to memorize - 7

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's ...Read more

A fire started in some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers ...Read more

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person ...Read more

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a ...Read more

... continued from above

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head ...Read more

I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, Hey honey is that dope gone yet?

Three baseball fans were having a conversation about what they would do when they die. When they finished they all agreed that the first one to die had to come back and tell the other two if they had a baseball team in heaven.

Two months later one dies in a car accident. After the other two left the funeral they went to watch a baseball game. ...Read more

During the 'rush hour' at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem.

Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, ...Read more

Superman is able to see through walls.

Spider-Man can detect things with his Spidey-sense.

Me? I can smell something in the next county. Yes, it's true. I am Super Smell Woman (not to be confused with the significantly less appealing Super Smelly Woman). I can detect unseen mold under a bathtub mat. I can sniff out spoiled milk from behind ...Read more